Mistaken For Ed Redux
by BarthVader
Summary: Edd and Marie are on a date! Why? Well, Double D has a few reasons for inviting her, not all of them romantic. A rewrite of one of my first stories.


******Of course I own EEnE. That's why Kankers were such insufferable cunts. Blame me for it.**

"Ladies first."

The door to a small pizzeria downtown were held open by a teenage boy. He was wearing his formal clothes (which consisted of his usual T-shirt, usual shorts, usual sneakers and a tie) and a black stocking hat. Shoulder-long blonde hair were sticking from underneath it.

"You just wanna stare at my ass, don't ya?"

A girl, roughly his age, entered the restaurant. She was wearing a black shirt, with two top buttons undone, and khaki pants. Her hair were dyed blue, and a fringe was covering a scar running down her right eye. And, to put it in a T-rated manner, her seventeen years were hardly visible on her chest.

"Yes, obviously." Edd replied, rolling his eyes. "This act of chivalry is just a facade covering my perverted fantasies about your behind."

"Hey, if someone has to look at it, I'd prefer you over anyone else." Marie said, sitting down in the booth right next to an entrance, grabbing the menu from the table. The boy joined her.

"So, what did you think about that film?"

"Wasn't that bad. Though I'm surprised you picked 'Half-Way To Destruction Episode 3'. I didn't know you're into cheesy action movies."

"Yes, this wasn't a particularly high-brow experience, but nevertheless I found it enjoyable. It's probably a result of spending a lot of time with my friends."

"At least it's better than all those rom-coms. Y'know, a guy and a gal hating each other for years get together in ninety minutes."

Edd's eyes widened slightly. "A-are you alluding to something, Marie?"

"I like you for your brains, oven mitt." She clasped her hands, "But seriously, why did you invite me on this date?"

The boy's heart skipped a beat.

"Not that I'm complainin', but it's kinda odd. I mean, you were always using your brain to do the thinking, as opposed to your d-" she bit her tongue, reminding herself the boy doesn't like harsh language, "ahem, other organs, and even after you started gettin' on well with the others, we weren't really close to each other, we were more like frenemies. The type of buddy you'd keep far away, most of the time. And now, you go to my house, flowers and all, and invite me to a movie and a dinner."

"Um..." the boy wiped his forehead, "I g-guess I decided to do something spontaneous for once."

"That's really unlike you..." Marie started rubbing her chin, to cut short and triumphantly snap her fingers in the air. "I got it! I know why you did it!"

Edd looked at her with curiosity. "R-really? Why?"

She put on a sly grin. "You need me to cover up your relationship with Eddy, don'tcha?"

It was obviously an attempt at humor at her part, and she expected the boy to either let out a chuckle or a sigh. She didn't expect him to hide his face in his hands.

"_Et tu, Brute, contra me?_" he muttered, and raised his head. "Yes, I'm in a polyamorous open relationship with Ed and Eddy. We're organizing swinger parties every Tuesday." the boy replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Marie raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"I mean, isn't that obvious?" he went on, raising his voice slightly. "My voice is high pitched, I'm not particularly muscular nor masculine, and that must mean I'm taking one up the rectum!"

The girl looked at Edd, slightly taken aback. The boy noticed his outburst was quite inappropriate. and silently counted to ten to relax.

"Apologies." he went on, calmer. "I... don't have problem with LGBT people, or any minority for that matter, but... I'm getting sick and tired of being mistaken for a homosexual."

"A pain in the ass, eh?" the girl snickered.

The boy gave her a cold stare.

"_Hi-_larious." he said, stretching out the first syllable. "Anyway, if it was a single incident, I would disregard it, but way too many people assume that I'm in relationship with either of my friends. It had reached its peak when my parents had a two-hour-long talk with me, trying to convince me to come out of my nonexistent closet."

"I see..." Marie frowned. "So, you just need me to show the world that you like tits and twats. Whoop-dee-bloody-doo."

The boy realized he'd just dug himself deeper.

"It's not about that!" He raised his hands. "Well, not only. Just... let me explain! Please?"

Marie crossed her arms. "Okay, you have one chance to get outta this mess."

Edd took a deep breath, slowly inhaling and exhaling the air.

"As you have mentioned," he started, "the relations between our circles of friends has somewhat improved since the incident with Eddy's brother. Lee has been trying to convince me to ask you out for quite a long time behind your back. And..." he struggled to find the right words, "personally... I find you... quite... intriguing."

The annoyance on the girl's face was replaced with shades of curiosity. "Go on."

"You are... intelligent and resourceful." the boy continued, a bit unsure. "You are persistent, the sole fact that I'm sitting here, talking to you, proves that. And you are also good-looking, I am not going to pretend it doesn't matter. Overall, given that you toned down your 'overly attached stalker' schtick, I was... willing to invite you on a date... just to see what happens." he finished.

After that, neither of them spoke anything for half a minute. The boy started scanning his surroundings for a possible escape route.

"...is that it?" Marie broke the silence.

"Erm, yes?" Edd replied. "D-d-did I accidentally insult you again?"

"Nah, it's just... last time I've heard a compliment from someone unrelated to me, the guy went on by askin' me if I swallow." she said. "Men have a one-track mind."

"Let me assure you," the boy put his palm on his heart, "intercourse with you couldn't be lower on my priority list."

A cocky smile appeared on the girl's face. "And what is on top of it, sweetheart?"

"Honestly?" the boy replied.

"Honestly."

"Not getting raped."

Marie let out a chuckle.

"Aw c'mon, I like to mess with ya, but I ain't some sorta depraved sociopath- hold on a second." She cut short and looked at something behind the boy. "What you're lookin' at?"

Edd turned around and noticed that one of the waiters was staring at them.

"Me?" the server pointed at himself with his thumb. "I-I'm just..."

"Is our behavior inappropriate?" the boy questioned. "That outburst of mine..."

"No, no, no!" the man reassured. "I'm just... surprised by... people like you visiting our restaurant."

Marie stood up. "You've got somethin' against lower class, white collar?"

"No, it's just... I always thought real life lesbians were ugly as heck."

The couple took a few seconds to process what the man had just said. As the meaning of the words had struck him, Edd's hand had twitched slightly.

"...I beg your pardon?" he let out after a few seconds.

"I'll handle this, dreamboat." Marie approached the waiter. "Thanks for the compliment, but we're a straight couple. Two fuckin' borin' cishet people. A heterosexual boy and a heterosexual girl on a date. "

"Oh, shi- I'm- I'm sorry." the waiter stammered, realizing his mistake.

"You'd better be." the girl went back to the table. "And now we're expectin' top notch service if you still hope to get a tip."

"Now, don't be so harsh on him." Edd defended the man, having calmed down a bit. "It's just an honest mistake." He turned to the waiter. "Could we please place our orders?"

The man turned to the boy. "Yes, obviously. So, what do you want, young lady?"

After a second of shock, the boy's head hit the table in a gesture of exasperation.

"A glass of quicksilver, please."

Marie looked down at her cleavage. "An' a push-up bra." she muttered.

**Rewritten, because the previous version was crap. ****It's still on my dA,**** if someone cares.**

**Also, if you want to bug me a bit more, ****you can find a link to my Steam profile on my ff dot net profile.**** We can play TF2 or something.**


End file.
